Archive of published writing:


»  The Push Poll: A Life Approach 
»  Isiah Thomas, Life Coach
»  Happy Mother’s Day!
 »  Mel Gibson’s Rehabilitation Counselor at “Promises” Reviews Her Notes From Yesterday’s Group Session
» Alternative InSPOT E-Cards to Anonymously Inform Partners That They Might Have Been Exposed to an STD
» Thanks For The Intervention
» A Wedding Toast by Katie Holmes’s Former Best Friend
» Refreshingly Candid, Yet Admittedly Less Traditional, Pet Notes That My Neighborhood Animal-Adoption Center Would Probably Find to Be More Effective: A Comparison
» Responses in an Interview for a Nanny Position That Will Almost Certainly Sink Your Chances 
» Strategic Attempts to Deflect Attention by the Most Obviously Overweight Member of the Donner Party
» Re: Hardy Boys Manuscript Submission [Reprinted in The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes]


» “Yes on Proposition 8” Gets the Message Out 


» A Handy Guide To Olympic Ice Dancing
» The Make-Another-Wish Foundation
» Sexiest Man Alive, the Quiz!
» Yes on Proposition 8 Gets the Message Out
» Face the Mirror, McCain
» Entourage: Season 5 Spoiler Alert!
» Revelations in Scott McClellan’s Memoirs
» If The Democratic Primary Were a Movie, Hillary Would Be…The Sequel!
» If the Democratic Primary Were a Movie, Hillary Would Be:
» Cry On, Sister!
» GOP Candidate Missed Connections
» Bush to America: How You Doin’?


» Namibia’s Tourism Minister Sends a Plea to Britney Spears

» Virginity Pledge 2.0


» Reality Checks
» Getting Testy on the Road
» Still Classics 25 Years Later
» Got a cure? I’m there!
Snowboard Cross
» Crazy 4-wheeeeeeeeee!l drivers
» An interview with Andy Samberg
» Attention!
»No Longer Hip
» How to Get Out the Vote
» The 300 Millionth American is Coming!
» First I’d Like To Thank…
» A Great Excuse To Party


» Donald Rumsfeld, Bored And Unable To Get Other Work, Takes A Job As A Teen Advice Columnist
» Memo To Thunder, Golden State Warriors’ Mascot, Re: The Upcoming Second Half Of The 2006-2007 Season

» FOX Network’s Weekly Explanation of Paula Abdul’s Increasingly Erratic Behavior

» Tom and Katie Exchange Vows

» An Executive Producer’s Notes to Rosie O’Donnell Regarding Her First Month on The View


» My Organ Donor Card: Annotated


» January 26, 2007
» January 5, 2007

» December 29, 2006

» December 15, 2006

» November 17, 2006

» November 3, 2006

» October 20, 2006

» October 6, 2006

» September 22, 2006

» August 25, 2006

» August 18, 2006

Is That All You Got, Texas?

My latest political humor piece from The Huffington Post:


A federal judge on Tuesday struck down a key provision of Texas’ new law requiring a doctor to perform a sonogram before an abortion, ruling that the measure violates the free speech rights of both doctors and patients.
– NY TIMES, 8/30/11

A sonogram? That’s it?

Frankly, Texas, I’m embarrassed. That’s the best you could do? A sonogram? You thought you could talk a woman out of a pregnancy with the emotional tug of an image that has all the clarity of a polaroid from a 1983 New Year’s Eve party? I’ve had friends show me their sonogram pictures and thought I was looking at a moon-landing conspiracy pamphlet. Is that the baby’s foot or is Neil Armstrong taking a leak off a lunar crater?

I mean, if you’re going to guilt women into keeping their baby I think you need to raise the stakes a little higher than a Rorschach blot. Why stop there? Think of the possibilities!


A 23-year-old woman lies back as sonogram equipment slides along her mid-section.

YOUNG WOMAN: “I…I’m sorry doctor. The timing of it all. I just…I can’t have this baby.”

DOCTOR: “Of course. I understand. Now under state law, I’m legally obligated to show you this image of your unborn child.

YOUNG WOMAN: “Yes, I understand, but I’ve made my decision. If we could just…”

DOCTOR: “Hold on now, missy. If you’ll just turn toward the monitor over there. This is your unborn child at six weeks. And now…here we are at five years old!

CUT TO: Adorable five-year-old girl appears on monitor. Honey blonde, dimples for days. She’s holding a Mother’s Day card made out of crepe paper and macaroni shells.


DOCTOR: “And if you’ll just stay with me here for a second. Hi-yo! Here we go. Looks like you’ve got a Prom Queen growing up in there.

CUT TO: A stunning 17-year-old waves to her royal court. Her obviously popular and very heterosexual boyfriend Chad at her side.

DOCTOR: “Oh my gosh, what’s that in his hand? An engagement ring?!? Oh Chad, you didn’t!!”

YOUNG WOMAN: “OK, I think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves here. I’m actually due back in the office later today so…”

CUT TO: 38-year old “Kristie” getting sworn in as the first female President Of The United States Of America.

DOCTOR: “Look at you mouthing along the oath.”

YOUNG WOMAN: “Seriously, I have to go. Do you validate parking?”

DOCTOR: “And here she is donating you a kidney. Wow, you’re a lucky woman…”

CUT TO: Mother and Daughter on adjoining hospital beds, pre-surgery. Both give a courageous thumbs-up to camera.

YOUNG WOMAN: [speechless]

DOCTOR: “OK, that concludes our legal obligation. Oh wait, I almost forgot, Nurse Mary is printing out the wallet-sizes you are legally entitled to, and of course you can grab your statutorily-authorized World’s Greatest Mom coffee mug out in reception.”
Your move, Texas.